If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
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Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
smh
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.