History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
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I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
i hate you platonically
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
Black Friday “markdowns” like
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*