Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
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Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
I think costco should be the next president of the united states