I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
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Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
Oh we’ve met.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Namaste
When you’re here for the treats.
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
December birthdays be like…
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.