Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
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Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them