“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
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If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit