@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
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When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
No. He’s not coming out to play
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
The Sun
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first