If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
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Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”