Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
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A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
It was worth a shot 😂
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!