me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
You Might Also Like
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Just why bro?!
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)