Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
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The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.