[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
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Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
My background check bounced.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear