*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
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Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
This checks out
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that