I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
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OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?