Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
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Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*