“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
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Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
🔦🌙👣
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.