DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
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Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
me: I really can鈥檛 stay
him: but, baby it鈥檚-
me: *tail lights*
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I鈥檓 offering a reward for its safe return.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
*On death bed*
Me: I鈥檝e killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
Now that鈥檚 a Halloween costume! 馃ぉ
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
just gave your address to some spiders
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
I have a riddle about lice but it鈥檚 a real head scratcher
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.