Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
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when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
that lip filler tho
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?