When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
You Might Also Like
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period