That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
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If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
Who’s your best friend?
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star