A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
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I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
Risking my life for fun.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”