My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
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I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.