The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
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when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Happy Taco Tuesday
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
lmfao come on
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
[eats all your cotton candy]
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot