My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
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It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself