Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
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♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
“I FIXED IT!”
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
Lube but for my dry humor.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”