*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
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My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.