I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
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This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.