Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
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building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
i guess his teacher was really pissed
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
everyone’s a critic
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life