Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
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Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.