I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
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me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
this makes me so uncomfortable
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
Everyone’s family
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands