dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
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*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
#oldknees
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.