Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
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Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice