I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
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My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
Happy birthday to all the women
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?