I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
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Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes