Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
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All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
Crying is a sign of leakness.
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
oh u like history? name everything that happened
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
My first son he is wonderful
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.