The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
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Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?
Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?
Parents: go to your room.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
another case of gang violins
welcome back
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
#DesignFail
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN