i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
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Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
mom gave me mine for free
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.