Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
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Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.