mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
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Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no