My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
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The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold my wife’s friend’s baby when they come over for dinner tonight.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
he chose this
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.