Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
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Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
so, is there a mister shapen head
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.