If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
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*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
Mornin
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
the noise i just made
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’