I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
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Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.