When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
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owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
WHY would you be happy about this?
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.