Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
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Basketball games are very squeaky.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
But I really needed water water water
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
Me too
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
Mornin