When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
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if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?