My favorite female superhero
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Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
the clam before the storm
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
Fries, not lies.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.