CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
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Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.