Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
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Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
#SaturdayBears
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.