How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
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Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
I love art.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.